Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
