I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
