I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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