My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
