Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
