I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
