Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i love accidental penises.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
