She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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