Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
