yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
