yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
