The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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