is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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