So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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