Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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