then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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