okay pat passed out under dana's car
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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