Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
