I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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