Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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