wat bout pragnant strippers??
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
