I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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