dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
