Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
