Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
