You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
