My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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