I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
