I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
