There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
