Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
