I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
