My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
