Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
