i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
