I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
