Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
