I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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