Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
