someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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