it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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