WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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