never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
