I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
how drunk are you?
Several
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