I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
