We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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