what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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