Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
