Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
