my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
