: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
