Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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