Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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