so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
