Your face is a jimmy john
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
