Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
